Be assured that our full body scanners are operated by the most discreet of perverts.

When we say, "You're overqualified for this position," what we mean is that you have the talent and confidence to go somewhere else once we treat you badly. And that's not what makes a good employee.

We suggest that you avoid dating anyone who hates the muppets.

Experience suggests that hats impair driving ability more than cell phones do.

Most of popular culture -- including hundred-million-dollar movies -- is less entertaining than a nine-year- old with a sock puppet.

Shopping is not a sacrament.

In the interest of increasing general civility and politeness, we are instituting a policy of dueling.