monitor lizards

A recent order for computer monitors was instead accidentally invoiced as monitor lizards.  While maintenance staff is waiting for protective gear, so they can facilitate a clean up, please remain in your office, preferably on your desk, and attempt not to look and smell like prey.  Do not panic if bitten; the bites are only mildly toxic and infectious and it's unlikely that the lizard can eat any significant percentage of you before help arrives.

We request that this season's end of year employee self-evaluation forms be filled out with less of a sense of whimsy and delusion than previous years.

In case of Jabberwock, break glass.

Our database vendor has been highly reliable for the past six years and our staff knows the system well.  Accordingly we are switching to a more expensive system from a new vendor who gave a presentation while paying all expenses for a vacation for our V.P.s in Vegas.

Technology -- you're doing it wrong.

Ducks, as you've probably guessed, are here primarily for your amusement.

It's not going to get any less weird. 

Ever since you installed that air purifier in your office, staff members have made a habit of farting there when you're not around.

Be assured that our full body scanners are operated by the most discreet of perverts.

When we say, "You're overqualified for this position," what we mean is that you have the talent and confidence to go somewhere else once we treat you badly. And that's not what makes a good employee.

We suggest that you avoid dating anyone who hates the muppets.

Experience suggests that hats impair driving ability more than cell phones do.

Most of popular culture -- including hundred-million-dollar movies -- is less entertaining than a nine-year- old with a sock puppet.

Shopping is not a sacrament.

In the interest of increasing general civility and politeness, we are instituting a policy of dueling.

Instead of annual raises, all of us in management would like to wish you a sunshiny day.