Oprah

Oprah tells us that she loves us, to use what she has taught us wisely -- and then returns to home planet.

About your jokes.  Your co-workers are only laughing out of politeness.

We are required by OSHA, SFWA, and the MIB, to report that side effects may include: sudden teleportation, reptids, nonvoluntary cloning, dystopias, hyperspatial fluxes, space crumpets, yog sothoth, punning robots, singularities, exotic beverages, intelligences beyond our ken, and onerous exposition.

First aid kits on floors 3, 7, and 12 are due for replacing, but in consideration of budgetary problems we have decided that 90%  of all first aid problems can be solved with post-its and hand sanitizer, which are readily available in the supply room and on your desks.

We deny all responsibility for: dance remixes, eczema, buyer's remorse, tenrecs, dunderheads, boomslangs, Gilligan's Island, global warming, Texas, silverfish, stuffed pizza crust, Bob Jone University, and stingrays.

monitor lizards

A recent order for computer monitors was instead accidentally invoiced as monitor lizards.  While maintenance staff is waiting for protective gear, so they can facilitate a clean up, please remain in your office, preferably on your desk, and attempt not to look and smell like prey.  Do not panic if bitten; the bites are only mildly toxic and infectious and it's unlikely that the lizard can eat any significant percentage of you before help arrives.

We request that this season's end of year employee self-evaluation forms be filled out with less of a sense of whimsy and delusion than previous years.